I am really not good with friendships. I have messed up a lot of them. And I always try to sit back and analyse the reasons that may be behind this ‘problem’. First, I think I could blame it on my personality. Of what I know of myself from all the 18 years of my life is that I am a melancholy type slash ‘sanguine’. This bizarre combination means that I like my own space, working around my own hours, doing things the way I want, and having found Christ, devoting much of my time to Him. However, it also means that I am outgoing, passionate, a good speaker when encouraged and ready to smile or laugh at the cute/funny/hilarious things that happen around me.
So that’s the type of person who I am, and it’s rather quite clear that I am little bit difficult to understand, and quite frankly I often do not understand myself either.
Another reason why I fail at friendships is because of that little human nature called jealousy. In a friendship, I believe that it has to be me and you, and that’s that. No other so-called ‘friends’ being introduced to me, no other BFF’s whom I have no idea where they popped out from and no other ‘selfie-with-my-friend’ (who I don’t know) pictures spread all over social media. Because these little things injure me. To me, friendships means that, after your parents, I come next in line of the most important people. I want to be appreciated and be given the chance to appreciate. I want emotions feelings, expressions and conversations that are real. I want to be 1000% comfortable with you. I want the truth.
Recently, a ‘friend’ of mine was totally put-down by my lack of communication. After wishing her a happy birthday, and the buying a present part totally far from my mind, our communication stopped. I wouldn’t say this took ages, a few weeks actually, but she totally lost it. So here I am, trying to figure what the reason for such a failure might be. After seeing her sad and depressed, showing less hurt than I actually knew her to be feeling, I was touched. It saddened me to see the pain I’ve caused for someone who has been so good to me, who had initiated a friendship and invested so much into it. If I was Korean this would be the moment; “Ote keh? Ote keh? Ote keh?”
What do I do?
Initially, this was not part of the plan. When our friendship progressed, I got to know what a good person she was; and how much she wanted our friendships, or any friendships in particular. And I got to know the reason behind that. When my parents split, I found a friend within myself, my mother and many crazy hobbies, unlike other kids who when parents spilt or when parents die, they seek for better, closer meaningful relationships that can compensate for such a drastic loss. I built a wall, a fierce independence, while her on the other hand, broke down all the walls and got rendered needful. So I decided to be a good friend to her, I prayed about it, as I often pray for all my friendships, and I thought I was ready.
But it seems it was a half-hearted desire. Having been always discouraged by her many ‘friends’ many BFF’s, I held back. And this confrontation made me realize that. So now she is sad and disappointed, while I am disappointed and yet ‘moved on’. How can I make it up to her? How can I make our friendship work once again? Was this friendship just a step to pass through, “we meet to part and part to meet” biznizz?
Anyway, I have to pray about it. I need guidance from the All Mighty in every decision I make. If we are meant to be lifelong friends, may He restore it. If there is something lacking in our recipe may He add it. One thing for sure is that I have to make it up to her, and that if it does end, it ends on a good note. And I definitely have to get that birthday present, she got one for me too!
Resembling the Christ; who never left any matter undone. 🙂